"Oh, I can't wait to see those faces"
on Notes from Quite Far (Cameroon), 16/Dec/2009 11:41, 34 days ago
A small cloud of gaseous vapour materialises before my eyes, or so it seems, and then dissipates almost as quickly as it appeared.“Strange” I think, and continue on my way. Not five seconds later, another cloud appears. I am momentarily confused. The cloud disappears, and realisation dawns. It’s my breath. Ah yes, I’d forgotten all about that. I exhale, and of course a new cloud appears. But this time… Is it my imagination, or is the vapour twisting and contorting to form a sentence? It certainly seems that way. And the sentence seems to read:“It’s bloody freezing”.Not only am I in a country where you can see your own breath hanging in front of you in the winter air, but now my own breath is actually taking the piss.I am in Paris.I am on my way home to surprise my mum for Christmas.The temperature is minus four.I got here at 6am, and with seven hours to kill before I continue on to Manchester, I marched up to the tourist information desk at Charles de Gaulle airport, demanding to be informed about tourism. How can I best profit from an entire morning in Paris? Where is the railway station? What exhibitions are on at the Louvre? Musée D’Orsay? Centre Pompidou? What’s going on at the Trocadéro? What’s the latest I should set off from Notre Dame to make it in time for my flight? Give me leaflets, give me timetables. I’m a tourist and I’m raring to go.What I did not factor into my plans, however, was the fact that it’s bloody freezing. At 6:30, ten minutes into my Paris adventure, I found myself at the railway station, shivering uncontrollably and looking at my own breath.And now my breath was saying“It’s only Paris. It’s very badly signposted and you can never find a toilet when you need one. Maybe best just head back indoors, eh?”Poor tourist information man. I wonder how many hours of his day he wastes giving people advice they never end up taking.It’s now 10:30, I am at my departure gate, where I have been since 7:30 and I intend to stay here until 12:45 when I board my plane. I have spent a day’s wages on a magazine and a coffee, and I have been the happy if somewhat bemused recipient of the following free items:A booklet about a new film. (Looking at the glossy pictures, I get the impression the film is about Jean Claude Van Damme and some digitally animated pixies with machine guns.)Two octagonal adverts made of cardboard inviting me to be“dazzled” by my “good fortune”. Apparently all I need to do is go to the duty-free shop. Frankly, the advert rather put me off going in there, as I fear there is a slim chance I might somehow fail to be dazzled by my good fortune, which would be disappointing to say the least. Incidentally,I received both leaflets from the same person at the same time, and have been wondering why ever since. Either:a. she really, really wants me to go into the shopb. she is subtly mocking me for having no friendsc. she wants to get rid of her leaflets so she can go back inside.Two magazines published by Air France and one magazine published by Aeroports de Paris. Apart from a page giving the length, wingspan and number of seats on 17 different models of aeroplane, the brochures are fairly low on information. Unless of course the information you seek happens to be about what you can buy on planes and in airports. Anyway, here is just a selection of things you can buy on planes and in airports, in case you were wondering:-The perfume Charlize Theron is wearing-The perfume Kate Moss is wearing-The jewellery Kate Moss is wearing-The perfume a model dressed as Audrey Hepburn is wearing-The perfume a male model dressed as a sailor is wearing-A hermes bag with a dog in it. (You don’t actually get a dog. The dog is just for the purposes of advertising. I know because I asked.)-The watch Leonardo DiCaprio is wearing. Although frankly, Leo is not looking particularly happy about his new watch. In fact he’s looking decidedly moody about it, whereas the other models were either smirking or sucking seductively on a lollipop (or indeed, enjoying themselves in other ways). So I have been wondering, too, about why Leonardo DiCaprio is sulking. Either:a. he is gutted he just spent hundreds of pounds on a watch.b. it’s one of those ones with a metal strap that catches your arm hairs in it. I hate that.c. he just bought it at the airport in Paris, and is bloody freezing.-A glass table lampA stick of chewing gumEurope is weird.