I'm over it!
on When I'm 64 (Sri Lanka), 12/May/2011 04:05, 34 days ago
   Okay, I am over it. I got so much feedback basically reminding me that I am taking this PERSONALLY. It is totally true. I fell into this subjective place where I made myself the center and got so disappointed and angry as if the future of this place is good or bad because of me! I lost perspective. One volunteer sent me this and I think it is so wonderful as a reminder to everyone:  "There once was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One day he was walking along the shore, as he looked down the beach, he saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself to think of someone who would dance to the day and he began to walk faster to catch up.As he got closer, he saw that it was a young man, and the young man wasn’t dancing, but instead he was reaching down to the shore, picking up something, and very gently throwing it into the ocean.He called out,“Good morning, what are you doing?”The young man paused, looked up and replied,“Throwing starfish into the ocean.”“I guess I should have asked: WHY are you throwing starfish in the ocean?”“The sun is up and the tide is going out. And if I don’t throw them then they’ll die.”“But, young man, don’t you realize that there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it. There must be thousands of them on this beach alone. You can’t possibly hope to make a difference!”The young man listened politely, then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves and said,“To THAT one, it made a difference.” "   Actually, even hoping my presence made a difference to one starfish is still personalizing it but it is a wonderful story! I can look back over this time, which I have done little of yet, but looking back over the times that I got a bit blue or angry or teary and I think it was when I got off center of what I was here to do. I personalized. Such a good lesson to hold onto. I have asked a number of staff to write VSO references for me and one of the comments giving me a good instead of excellent was about my resiliency because of my reaction last week. It is just not the Sri Lankan way to be upset and show it and definitely not for 2 days running! I have a list of things I still hoped to talk to the Consultant Psychiatrist and the new Master about. I am not sure I shall talk to them now. None of it is new, hasn't been said, it is stuff more to remind them..I am going to redo the posters that I had done in the beginning for all the staff and hope they will put them up where they will see them but that is up to them. The posters said:TREAT PATIENTS WITH DIGNITY, RESPECT, EQUALITY AND AFFECTION AS YOU WOULD A LOVED ONE.    I am getting ready to go in the same organized way that I got ready to come. I already shipped over 50 pounds of "stuff" so I really don't have that much to organize. I have reports to write and things to complete and a bit of sorting so I am doing something each day to move forward. I had held back making plans to leave here more then is necessary but now I have made plans to spend the next two weekends away with some wonderful new volunteers because I have the time. I am trying to stay in the moment which includes being with everyone here and finishing up downloading any TV shows I was following thanks to ITunes. I am now caught up with GLEE, BROTHERS AND SISTERS and GREY'S ANATOMY. I have started with 2 new PBS/BBC series which are great so far but I have been wondering, when I go back, am I retired? What a bizarre idea this is. Even if I don't work now, I may in the future although honestly, I don't want to be responsible for anything or anyone for a while and well, really, I just want to play; so the idea of a lot of traveling is what is keeping me excited. It seems my friends have decided to move here and there and abandon NYC so what choice do I have but to make sure they don't get lonely for me (meaning forget me) but by visiting them! I also hate labels so I shall not say I am retired or say I am anything other than living and hopefully having fun.   One event I am excited about being here for again this year is VESAK which is the Buddhist holiday celebrating the birth, enlightenment and death of the Buddha. Lanterns are made and everyplace is decorated with them including all over the hospital..even competitions are held and patients and staff are very excited about making lanterns and decorating and winning. The lesson though for me after witnessing this and other holidays is that a tremendous amount of effort goes into these holidays and spending money on them and time suddenly is possible, all the things that I hoped would apply to the staff and patients on a regular basis. This in their culture though, not mine and it is nice that when these events take place the staff work hand in hand with the patients to accomplish something. One of my favorite nurses came up to me yesterday and said, "did you see what what Kumar (patient) is making? He is making these beautiful bamboo lanterns. As soon as he started working on them, he became normal. Activity really made a difference".  Maybe one starfish?