THIS IS IT!
on When I'm 64 (Sri Lanka), 03/Jun/2011 09:44, 34 days ago
It's happening way to fast. I am leaving here Sunday, probably never to return. 6 months ago it felt right, now it is too fast, too soon, I am too ambivalent. I now know what true ambivalence is. Each time I am with Lakshmi, Samantha or Roshani, the nurses I am close to, I tear up. On the other hand, Baby is not ambivalent at all. She was taken to Roshani's house 2 weeks ago and when I was invited for dinner on Wednesday eve. and saw her she wasn't exactly unfriendly but she clearly loved them more! The 2 children abuse her but she doesn't run away. She hung out with them, she snuggled..I still think she is here, seeing her in shadows as I go from room to room.Today is my last work day and it is the culmination of the 6 month mental health course started in December for all staff. Everyone is getting a certificate. Certificates are big here, people love them even if it is just for attending a half day of something. I had really nice ones printed on beautiful paper with the logos of the EU and VSO on them. They were signed by Dr. P. and me. Before the last 2 weeks I was sort of wrapping things up, writing reports, making sure today would be ready, separating myself from things. Then I went on my last weekend vacation to the beach. I had a very busy few days in Colombo at meetings but also saying goodbyes to the staff and Volunteers. They had a Thank You cake at the office and Anne, another volunteer had a party at her house to which a lot of volunteers AND staff came to. I had been advised not to expect staff, they never come to these things, so I was quite flattered and happy. On Sunday, I came back to Badulla and I have had no time! Each evening I have been invited out to dinner to the homes of the various nurses and last night, Dr. P and the doctors took me to a restaurant where we could actually bring wine and drink with our dinner! Ancy and I were the only women drinkers. We got into talking about the culture here. We talked about calling whoever is in charge Sir and standing up when those people walk by. I am so embarrassed when patients' families sometimes stand up when I walk by. I started thinking about the US in the 50s and thinking about when I was coming of age in the 60s and life felt like it was changing and growing and modernizing..there was great hope and I remember thinking naively how once things go forward they don't go backward because there is too much information and how it would never be the 50s again with McCarthyism and narrow mindedness, how the country had moved beyond that; and now it is happening again, the ethics and moral of our country are regressing and I feel so sad and afraid to come home.  Anyway, the days are totally filled with finishing final notes for the Psychiatrist, the Nurse Master, VSO, whatever..in any case, as I said it is Friday morning and guess what? I have not packed yet..but I am very organized as you can see from my final list.Today I am somewhat anxious. I am going to be dressed in a Sari by Lakshmi and we are having a ceremony. We were supposed to end the program with lunch but all of the money we budgeted for it ended up going to decorating lanterns for Vesak for the competition at the hospital (we came in 3rd). So we used the food money. I was going to offer to get food anyway and then decided I needed to let everyone live by their decisions, we spent the money as they chose. I have a feeling people will bring stuff anyway. To be continued....I am so overcome after this morning, I can barely pull it together. Lakshmi dressed me in a Sari. The staff made a party and a member of each group said some beautiful things and I gave out the certificates and then they presented me with this amazing plaque for my work with them. That's when I lost it. Then I cried and as the rest of my time there went on other staff got teary eyed and one of the nurses who has hardly every talked to me and never showed any interest, came to the ward and had tears and thanked me and cried. I was really shocked. I have never felt so useful, appreciated or valued as I have felt this last year and a half. I have also figured out how to ensure I keep feeling it; I just have to keep having good by parties. I just had good by parties from New York and Boston and now Colombo and Badulla, I could just go to new places and after getting to know people and being sweet for a while, I leave and they throw me a good bye party and say nice things about me!!!!