Blogs writing themselves
on George Hamilton (Jamaica), 05/Jun/2011 02:05, 34 days ago
Normal0falsefalsefalseEN-CAX-NONEX-NONE/* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}Life has become a breeze now that I am a full-fledged believer that you don’t write blogs because blogs write themselves.Initially I was going to write about all the rain we have been having in Kingston.My mind wandered over to rain related songs, so I was going to treat readers with this snippet of information from a 1970’s song that I remembered, and also found in Wikipedia:"It Never Rains in Southern California", written byAlbert HammondandMike Hazlewood, is the title of a song first released by Hammond, aBritishbornsinger-songwriter, in 1972. Hammond's version peaked at number five on theU.S.Billboard Hot 100that year.The song concerns the struggles of a singer who moves out toCaliforniato pursue a career inHollywoodbut does not have any success and deteriorates in the process. In the chorus, Hammond sings, "It never rains in California, but girl don't they warn ya. It pours, man it pours."I had some original words of my own to add, I thought about writing that it wasn’t the average sized puddles or huge puddles that bothered me on the way down Camp Road to the Dispute Resolution Foundation on Friday, but the more troubling aspects were the unexpected lakes and rivers that weren’t there the day before.There even was a recent Air Canada contest that gave you a chance to win an all-inclusive trip for two to wherever it flew.All you needed to do was to write a good sales pitch on one of the cities that Air Canada flew to.One of those cities was Kingston, Jamaica (not Ontario) so this was going to be so easy for me.I thought that I could help my chances with nifty content like where but in Kingston could you river raft down Old Hope Road, scuba dive at Cross Roads and then whale watch at the Parade.Why go anywhere else?But it was not to be.The great god Blog demands photos to augment any words it receives. Any meal it devours must have a words course and a graphics course. I went hunting for photos on line.I looked and I searched and I scanned and I fine tooth-combed and then the awful truth hit me.I eventually only found myself– I had already written about Jamaican floods.I found myself when I didn’t even know that I was missing.No more floods from now on, although a liquidy medium awaits– my supper that was something that I had never written about before.Also, because it was close by it was amenable to being photographed.I could chuck in a Jamaican visual joke, track down a religious parallel with a bad pun, and finally rest my case on the all imposing philosophy of the (Canadian) Red Green TV show.In my brain this all took place in but a split second. It was not as tedious as this paragraph– but you made it to the end.Congratulations.So here is a bachelor type supper.When other volunteers remarked that I was living a bachelor life I thought that deep down once you’re married you’re married, so anything they said would not apply to me.But maybe they were right after all, or not.My supper was based on a former secret recipe, handed down by me from day to day.But now that it’s in the blog it’s not a secret recipe anymore, so I’ll have to try something different tomorrow, or non-secret.Actually my invention was quite handy and practical.Red Green of the television show fame would have approved based on his thoughts that” If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy."But he might have disapproved because no duct tape was sacrificed for my meal.Step 1– take a pre-cooked cut-up chicken piece that tastes very much like the chicken pieces I had last week and the week before.Nothing new so far.Step 2– add some organic soup so I can pretend I am being good to myself, and not using stuff from a soup mass-producer that was approved of by Andy Warhol.Step 3– here is the stroke of genius – add some Jamaican Kalaloo (a.k.a. “leftovers”) into the mixture from steps I and 2. It's green so it has to be good for me.Cook precisely for as long as it takes for hunger to overtake you.Enjoy.So now it’s time for photographs and this is where the rest of the blog change of direction kicks in.My supper photographed 1) with flash, 2) without flash, and finally 3) with lid - yes, I am the first person to use a lid to take photographs,I later planned to photo the dirty dishes left over at the end of the meal that randomly were juxtaposed three-dimensionally in the sink. Quite a good photo I thought. But I consulted the Geneva Convention that pointed out that this was a forbidden type of photo.As you can see, my supper was definitely very male.It goes to the essence of maleness. Maybe even all the way back to the biblical beginning at Genesis 2:18.You can imagine God looking down from the clouds and seeing Adam eating something like George's soup and saying“Oh my Me.That poor Adam character needs help.I will send him down a Help Eat to help him eat better things and stay healthier”.Various old bible sources had mistranslated the original Hebrew words and thought that God was sending Adam a Help Mate, but learned authorities advised me that he was really sending a Help Eat - Adam needed help eating.It was a mistranslation and not a typo, because typewriters hadn’t been invented at the time.There may be some readers who might disagree with what I have written, but keeping my high moral ground I will rely on prayer. If you are male, you can imagine Adam saying (in a Red-Greeny turn of phrase) before God sent him his Help Eat:“I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess”.Then you can jump to God’s response:“Whoah.Enough bad eating already!Can Adam change?This is getting too risky.Plan B is necessary”.And the rest is history.There is an unhelpful rumor circulating that this was one of the inhabitants out of sight in my murky soup, but I vehemently deny this.It's just not true, alligators are allergic to soup.And that wraps it up for the day, and I should head off and do the dental hygiene things my dentist recommended between 1PM and 3PM today.I could still have been typing this blog at 9:30PM, but thanks to the great god Blog it is all done.