The Janjanbureh Guide to Watching England v USA
on Phil Bradfield (The Gambia), 14/Jun/2010 11:55, 34 days ago
(Written 14/06/2010 11:30, RED5, Janjanbureh)1.Wait for your colleague to turn up with his motorbike, to give you a lift up to Regional Education Directorate, which has the best screen in town. Allow plenty of time to make sure you get good seats.2.Pillion ride five minutes down the rutted dirt streets to the RED, slaloming around the enormous puddles left by last night’s rain.3.Arrive at the RED. Perform usual post-ride routine: wonder how dust can be embedded quite so deep into your forehead after only five minutes, rearrange bruised testicles etc.4.Look around, see no-one. Wonder where the hell everybody is.5.Sit around outside, waiting for the coverage to start. Chat to the locals who are dribbling in to watch. Guarantee: everyone will be supporting England, and at least a third will have England shirts.6.Head inside as the coverage starts. Watch the players lining up in the tunnel, and listen to the Gambians chanting all their names. The biggest cheer will be reserved for Wayne Rooney.7.Jump out of your seat and high-five everyone amongst the wild cheering as Gerrard scores early.8.Be deafened by the loudest cheer of the night as the camera zooms in on David Beckham.9.Listen to the unintelligible abuse being hurled at Rob Green after his unfortunate howler. It’s probably in Mandinka, but it could just be that the speakers’ ire is affecting their English.10.Grumble along with everybody else as the match peters out. The phrase most often uttered:“the goalkeeper is a problem”.11.After the match, walk the ten minutes to Bendula’s Bar, down the same uneven, bepuddled road you used before. You’ll have to do this in pitch blackness, because night has fallen and there are no street lights on this stretch. And even if there were, the town’s streetlights haven’t been functioning for months anyway.12.Relax in Bendula’s courtyard as the wind picks up, shaking the figs down from the trees. Watch the lightening strobing away to the east and hope the bats don’t crap on your head.13.Start enjoying your omelette and chips (trust me, even though you can’t see it because the candle keeps getting blown out, itisomelette and chips!).14.Race inside with your half-finished plate as the rain starts.15.Finish your meal inside the bar. Forget any attempts at conversation until the storm is over, as the noise of rain on corrugate echoes round the bar.16.After the storm, walk back home. Try not to slip in the mud, or fall in the puddles or the open sewer.17.Arrive in your compound, to be greeted by your landlord. After greeting him, you’ll find he’s stayed out waiting for you to come back, making sure you got home OK. Feel very guilty about this.18.Prepare to do it all again for the Algeria match on Friday.