Getting old?
on When I'm 64 (Sri Lanka), 03/Aug/2010 16:24, 34 days ago
   Wow I am really having a hard time the last few days, maybe since I returned from China. I am not sure; but today I sunk and felt so many bad feelings and started wondering what I shall do here for another ten months. I think it is most related to my upcoming birthday which has put me into a state of disbelief. I feel no older then 37, at the most..how could I be turning 65, it just doesn't feel possible, it feels shocking to me. i am having thoughts of people disregarding me because I am old and life being short and all those horrible things. It manifests in feeling I am useless here, disregarded and anyway I wanted to volunteer and feel I made a difference, i am thinking maybe I shall go change baby's diapers in an orphanage in Africa or take care of gorillas somewhere because that would be fun too! I am realizing I have no real plan for a future life at home in the States..I am freaking out!!!!! Anyway, that is what I was feeling all morning at work and was sure that Laxmi my buddy didn't even like me anymore (yes friends I know, I'm telling you it was a few hours slip). Anyway, at some point I said to gloomy Laxmi, someone is really unhappy today, meaning her and being sure, being the narcisist I can be, that it was about something I had done. She and the other 2 nurses in the room surprised me by saying yes, something is wrong and finally Laxmi leaned forward and said, my husband got cross with me and I feel terrible. How many times do I have to have the same lesson DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY and DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS!! It happened because I was feeling sad and bad and was more vulnerable and the lessons still continued. I have been talking for months with the nurses, every time we go out on a home visit about writing a note about their observations in the charts, talking about community work and teams and continuity of care, blah, blah..no one listens and then today when I was talking to the nurse I am doing the home visits with tomorrow about it he said, yes we started last week writing in the patient's chart about how they are doing, what we are seeing.     Anyway, I am indeed starting to think about the future and it is pretty blank. I really miss my patients, that life of doing psychotherapy and I loved clinical teaching. I miss Mari and wish for time back. I really feel there are many places to travel I have yet to see and feel quite capable of getting around. Over the weekend I went hiking with another volunteer in a place called Haputale and in 24 hours we walked and climbed about 15 kilometers..pretty good. There has also been a flurry of emails among my old Mt. Sinai classmates and I seem to be one of the few without any replaced parts!