The light dawns
on When I'm 64 (Sri Lanka), 04/Sep/2010 17:16, 34 days ago
    I haven't been feeling depressed anymore but I haven't been feeling like my positive self either. I have been thinking about my life here, at home, the future, what I want, how I see things and I finally identified the feeling. It is disappointment. I am disappointed. My entire life I have thought about volunteering to help in a place where they have so little materially, financially, structurally, whatever, that whatever I could do might be useful. Here in Sri Lanka I think I am useful. I think my years of life experience, mental health experience is helping in some little way to create a better environment for mentally ill people by educating the staff and the community about good mental health practice. I know that starting an AA group which we work on regularly to get people involved is a major event for this district. I am liked and respected.     So why am I disappointed? It is because I lived a fantasy and now I live a reality. This is not the poorest country, they do not have the same issues as Africa and that is where I wanted to be. The reality is that the volunteers in Africa complain of the same issues I do! It's all fantasy, whatever I do is really fine. i actually have located a village right near me that is among the poorest of the poor. I heard about this village from a newsletter I get from the Buddhist Global Relief. I am in touch with the group helping in the village called Sarvodaya Women's Movement and shall go see the village next week. I have no idea if there is any way I can do something but this village is within miles of Badulla, terrible. The same exists in America, one does not have to go too far really.     If at the end of my time here, I haven't had my fantasy become a reality, if I still need it to, if I want to check out fantasy land, there are many ways to do it, and I can. I can go to many countries in Africa as a short term volunteer, I can be on a list to go in emergencies, I can do many things. Maybe I shall be happy to go home and not need to do it, maybe I shall go home and then go traveling again, maybe anything! I am relieved to have identified what was happening inside me. I really feel much better!