Web MD and me
on My Thai (Thailand), 10/Feb/2011 07:29, 34 days ago
I’ve not been feeling great over the past few days.In the absence of a mother who, even at my age, immediately questions my ability to stare into bright lights (Meningitis is a killer, people) and prods my throat before the inevitable diagnosis of‘swollen glands’, I turn to Web MD.Over the years, Web MD has led to my self-diagnosis of several life threatening diseases; all of which are now thankfully in remission. On this occasion, I was given twenty options to choose from, none of which involved‘insomnia due to downstairs karaoke bar’ or ‘fatigue due to too many Oreos and boredom at work’ which I believe, deep down, may be the true culprits. As is my wont, instead of looking for earplugs or withdrawing my hand from the biscuit jar, I will jump straight to whichever appears the mostsevere. At first I plumped for Mono but my nearest fellow volunteer thinks I may be suffering from Elephantitis. Bitch! Actually, there is a back story to that – in the process of applying for a work permit here she was sent for a routine medical and discovered that Elephantitis and chronic alcoholism are about the only things Thailand’s not up for accommodating. Well, in my opinion they might want to revoke her permit on grounds of the latter complaint, at least!While I’m pretty sure I’m just feeling run down and sorry for myself, I decided to go public with my illness today by wearing sweatpants to work and breaking into my emergency Berocca supply. Little sympathy has come my way.Yesterday things took a worrying turn though when I found myself perilously close to nodding off at work.Now look - I work hard, I am committed, I do my hours but what’s lacking is the light relief; there are no conversations or jokes or gossip to help ease the ennui. While I try to pass the time of day, my pitiful Thai doesn’t get me much further than pleasantries and I seem to have the same conversation every time I speak to someone new. It goes as follows(only in Thai):Farang: HelloKhon Thai: HelloFarang: How are you?Khon Thai: Alright, ta. So, you speak Thai then?Farang: A bit. Not well.Khon Thai: You speak Thai! Yay! That’s awesome! So what you doin here then?Farang: I’m a volunteer.Khon Thai: You teach English?Farang: Well, not really.Khon Thai: Oohhh, you're a bit pale ain't you?Farang: Think this is pale? You ought to check me out back home!Khon Thai: Where you from?Farang: Manchester, in England.Khon Thai: Aahhh, Manchester United!!!Besides that, my placement appears to be an experiment into the effects of enforced mutism. Either that or I’m on some extended edition of The Krypton Factor – I’ve got the mental and physical challenges, now I’m just waiting for Gordon Burns to appear. Anyway, as I’ve mentioned before, BBC radio iplayer has become something of a lifesaver but there are only so many programmes I can listen to before all that’s left is Nicky Campbell and I’m not ready to sink to those lows just yet.In an attempt to entertain myself, I looked for some inspiration online: the joy of lists, hey! The first, with the catchy title’30 Things to Do to Keep From Getting Bored Out of Your Skull at Work’, suggests the following:Create a new challenge.I have plenty already!Pursue your next job.List your life goalsRead Zen Habits.Eh?Declutter your workspace.On my desk at present are a ruler and a tangerine: neither belongs to me.Pursue a hobby.I fear that playing the ukulele/reading/knitting/watchingThe Wiremight hamper my typing abilities somewhat.Make your work a game.The website here suggests:‘See how many widgets you can crank in 10 minutes. Pretend that your coworkers are evil villains. Imagine that you are a CIA agent in disguise, and no one knows. Or a fairy princess.’ I’d love to crank a widget…if only someone could explain to me what it meant!Educate yourself.This I’ve got covered! Thanks to the BBC I now know all about Schrodinger’s cat and what parrots with Geordie accents sound like.Improve your skills.Social skills, perhaps?Play Sudoku.Choose a soothing desktop picture.Do some pushups and crunches.Actually, I'm alright with boredom, thanks.Take a day or two off.Take a walk.Drink some water.Call a loved one.Possibly not appreciated at 4am UK time.Read.Start writing your novel.Take a nap.Ha ha! Here it advises:‘If you don’t have a good place to do this, you can curl up under your desk with a sweater’.Create a new project or role.Write a love letter.Or, as has happened to me here, scribe an angry break up letter for a colleague.Do one small thing to make yourself wealthier.Not going to the cake shop for lunch would be a start!Write a blog post.Do an errand.Update your personal finances.A very short activity in my case!Meditate at your deskOrganize your files.Clear out your inbox.2 emailsCrank up the tunes.Get wild!Much as I’m intrigued to find out what ‘getting wild’ at the office would involve, I feel these are all a bit too worthy and, well, boring.Website number two has some more practical suggestions:Blink wildly and then close your eyes really tight for an interesting light show(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out shapes and see if your subconscious is trying to send you a message.See how long you can hold a note(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes)Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Inhale deeply and then try and make a noise for as long as you can. Earn extra points for ending on an amusing note.Try to not think about penguins(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about penguins anyway.Use your secret mind power(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)Pick a passing by and try to use your mind power to command them to do something, like drop their bag or knock into someone. The law of averages dictates that sooner or later one of your mind commands will come true, so you can convince yourself that you really have super human powers and waste even more time trying them out.Pretend you're a robot(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)Walk with mechanical movements, adding 'zzzzzt' sounds with each motion. Pretending to have a motor broken in, say, your left hand can add at least 30 seconds more entertainment.Scratch yourself(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good?Rate passers by(Amusement Potential: 10-15 minutes)Secretly award passers by marks out of ten as you go along, offering (unsaid) expert criticism over their clothing, hairstyle and footwear choices.Repeat the same word over and over until it loses its meaning(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)Pick a random word out of a magazine and say it aloud to yourself until it becomes a meaningless set of noises.Pinch yourself(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.Try to swallow your tongue(Amusement Potential: 1-2 minutes)There's not much to say about this one. It is possible, but really stupid.Pretend to be a car(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)Make appropriate revving noises in your head as you walk along and add a racing commentary as you pass people. Use blinking eyes as indicators for extra authenticity.Make Star Trek door noises(Amusement Potential: 1-2 minutes)Stand by a door and make that silly "Scccccccchwop" sound heard whenever people popped on to the bridge to hang with Captain Kirk.Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.Get yourself as nauseated as possible(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").Invent a weird twitch(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)Adopt a bizarre twitch (e.g. flicking your head irregularly, twitching with eye or busting out sporadic cough noises).Make a low buzzing noise(Amusement Potential: 15-30 minutes)Hours of fun in quiet places! Keeping a totally straight face and looking nonchalant, make a low pitch humming/buzzing noise and see who reacts.Now that’s more like it! I’ve been inspired.I shall now try to use my secret mind power to will colleagues to enact my every whim.I’ll let you know how it goes....And I’ve just been told I’m going for my medical later this afternoon so fingers crossed I make it through the Elephantitis test.