Field of Dreams
on My Thai (Thailand), 22/Feb/2011 14:56, 34 days ago
I feel as though I should apologise: apologise to my organisation, to VSO, to Thailand, to the people who read through this self-indulgent twaddle.It’s slowly been dawning on me that, until now, I’ve been guilty of harbouring a Field of Dreams mentality: ‘If you build it, they will come’.I knew my placement wasn’t going to be a walk in the park, but I expected that everything would miraculously fall into place without any need for my intervention: I would automatically earn the respect of others, my opinion being sought and trusted as the word of an oracle. I’m exaggerating of course and was genuinely petrified about my lack of qualification to ‘advise’ anyone. Really, it didn’t take long before the curtains were pulled back and my limitations were on show for, if not all then definitely me, to see.Ever since arriving I’ve been ‘expecting’ this and ‘expecting’ that and, somewhat unsurprisingly, have been disappointed when reality hasn’t lived up to my highfalutin ideals.If anyone out there is contemplating psychiatric treatment (hopefully not just as a consequence of reading this), I say save your money and volunteer...it’s like viewing yourself through a mirror under painfully bright UV lights. I’m really conscious of the fact my organisation cannot be held solely responsible for what a difficult time I’ve been having so far. While it might lighten the soul to have someone else to blame and instead play the faultless victim, I’ve come in as an outsider and their wariness towards thatis understandable. They’re just going about their daily business as they were before I arrived and as they will after I leave. While I might be the centre of my own little universe, as everyone is in their own, I’m not the centre of theirs and rightly so. I may have an impact, I may not. Eitherway I’ve come to accept that any achievements might be invisible to the naked eye during my year here. I’m ok with that now. Part of this placement’s objective is to build trust between VSO and the organisation I’m working with. It may be that all I achieve is the laying of some shaky foundations for future volunteers to strengthen and solidify. I’ll be like Neil Armstrong stepping into the unknown...or more likely the other guy no one ever remembers!I’ve been unduly harsh on ‘The Armpit’ as well - it’s really not as bad as all that!There’s water, boats, a market on the live train tracks, a post office, a nice cafe where I can drink tea out of thimble sized espresso cups.Yes I’m lonely here, company and reassurance are hard to come by, but I’m sure I’ll learn lessons from that too...even if I’m not sure what they are just yet!My apartment, or‘sanctuary’ as it shall henceforth be known, might be small, hot and attached to a live music bar with a shockingly limited repertoire, but it’s mine now. It feels like home. I’ve even managed to find a way to sleep through the late night crooning; a skill I hope will be with me for life!In some ways Mahachai reminds me of Oldham, back home - no style, no airs or graces but its honest, it does the job and life is out there in the open, not hidden behind brass gates or box hedges. Sure, it’s got its faults, but ain’t no one gonna talk trash about my man but me!Looking ahead, I know I need to make a concerted effort to be more assertive and proactive if my placement is going to achieve anything. I’m not working in a climate of ‘performance management’ or ‘target setting’ and need to rely on myself for motivation rather than those around me.I was reading an old post from another volunteer’s blog today, someone working in Cameroon. He made the point of saying how we might whine and moan but we’re still here.Why is that?I go into school one day a week and am reminded why, reminded who it is I am here for. I always end the day feeling as though I’ve taken the cure – lighter, happier, more optimistic. That optimism might be threadbare by the end of the week but come Monday it’ll appear again. I’m not teaching in the learning centre but just being around the children takes me back to the reasons behind my choice of career. Even thoughcommunication is limited and I get frustrated at not understanding them, they’re so interested in whatever it is I’m doing, so eager to help, so accepting of this total stranger. It amazes me that, whatever the situation or surroundings, children want to learn and do learn. While their interpretation of playing teachers might involve the cane and lots of monotone chanting, their eagerness to play the game just reminds me of the children I’ve taught back home. All that separates them is circumstance and it pains me to know their lives are generally more circumscribed because of somethingso uncontrollable.Like the VSO veteran said,‘I’m still here’.Better make it count.