Feelings
on Shona in Sierra Leone (Sierra Leone), 18/May/2011 21:09, 34 days ago
I was in ICU briefly today looking for some medical students and as I walked through I came across a child who had died. No one was with him. He had clearly died some time before. I called the nurses over to find out who he was. He had actually been an inpatient for more than a week and it was clear from the notes that he had been very sick for the entirety of his admission.I hadn’t seen this boy at all before; I hadn’t had anything to do with his care. I’ve been covering TFC and out-patients for a while now so hadn’t witnessed any deaths for a little while. I was profoundly touched by his death. I am, of course, touched by all deaths here. No matter what you may think, it never gets easier.I felt so sad for this boy, for his family. I was so sad thinking his mother would come back to see him, only to find he had died in her absence (I think she had gone to get some food). I also felt sad for the nurses and doctors who had been caring for him. I know how difficult it is when a patient you have been looking after dies.But also I felt angry. He died in a ward full of patients, but he died alone. The nurses had not seen that he died. He died of malaria– a preventable and curable disease. I’m angry that despite many many years of research and millions of pounds spent, this little parasite is still such a big killer.I felt frustrated. So many children die here, for multiple reasons.Plasmodium falciparum, the parasite which causes most malaria here, is a really really nasty little bug. It evades the immune system and kills quickly. The children present too late. They don’t get proper monitoring. They are lucky if they get given all their medications. There is a drastic shortage of medical staff. Up-country there is a massive shortage of basic drugs. There are no proper intensive care facilities. But it’s much much bigger than just medical reasons. There are massive political reasons, social and educational reasons. Poverty. Above all poverty. My Dad once sent me an email saying that if I could save the world from malaria I would be a bigger hero than Kate Winslet (this was peri-Titanic!) Well I can save a few children. But I am frustrated that I can’tdo more.I felt annoyed. Why did it takemewalking past this child for someone to see that he had died? How long might it have been before anyone else noticed? How long before had he died? Why didthischild die? Why is this world so unfair?There is another feeling– let’s call it “Oh Salone”. Not so much a feeling, more a kind of sighing acceptance that this is the way it is, that this is the way it always will be. I saw a quote once – “The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference”. I can just about accept what I am not able to change (and really I know I cannot change much at all) but I hope I will never become ambivalent about the future for Salone.All my emotions and feelings are heightened here. If I feel happy I am on top of the world. If I am angry I want to shout, scream, cry and want to hit someone! I’m still trying to learn to direct my anger, frustration, and annoyance into something more positive.This evening, my thoughts and prayers are with that little boy’s family and with the many other families in Sierra Leone and the world over who have lost a loved one today.