Ya ya hanya
on Fantastic Voyage (Nigeria), 14/Jul/2010 14:31, 34 days ago
Well, I think it’s fair to say that when I woke up this morning I wasn’t planning to spend the night in a hotel which has no electricity, no water, no toilet paper, and no members of staff who know what the password is to use their own wireless connection.*In all justice to the hotel, I’m a pretty substandard guest: I’ve got no change of clothes, no towel, no toothbrush or deodorant, no insect repellent, and terrifyingly little to do when the batteries on my computer and ipod finally give in.  I may sit and write on some scraps of paper with my lovely pen.  In the dark.  We haven’t reached that point yet, anyway.This is only the latest in a sequence of mildly surprising turns today has taken.  The first (and this really is weird) was that I was due to be collected between 7.30 and 8.00 this morning (Nigerian time, that’s most likely to mean around 8.40), but the car arrived at 7.05. I hadn’t made many preparations, but I had at least had my morning poo, so the most important business was taken care of.Nor did I expect to see a diesel tanker lying on its side in the road as we left Kaduna, fuel seeping rather than gushing into the road.  The traders and locals around it were significantly more concerned about gathering as much fuel as they possibly could before the police turned up than the imminent possibility of a spark– and the tanker still upright beside it was in no hurry to leave, or at least not before the driver had his morningkose.I’m fully aware that religion isn’t really a sensible topic of conversation here, and we’ve largely managed to avoid it to date.  I’m sure this won’t be the last time I find myself entangled in a ‘discussion’ I’d really rather not be involved with (and one that’d be a nightmare if I’d had enough to drink for my curiosity to overcome my fear).  And probably next time I’ll be more ready for attacks on monkey-man theories and the use of modern medication when a child’s illness could be easily cured with some prayers.  At least we didn’t talk about the gays.**  So some of the surprising turns will probably have prepared me for the months ahead!I’ve just discovered some squidginess on the desk.  Hmm.Also on the journey I had my first taste of kola nut.  It’s a popular chewable delight here, and the object of some ceremony about the Igbo in the east.  I’m told that a high caffeine content makes it ideal after a meal (aiding the digestion just as coffee does) or when driving.  I was also told that I probably wouldn’t like it, so I was prepared for that.  Oddly, in a way I kind of did: but only to the extent you can ever like something which is so bitter– the very definition of astringent on your tongue – can ever be enjoyable.It has now stopped surprising me just how long Nigerians go without weeing (the code for which is‘I need to ease myself’; a poo is ‘I am pressed’).  But I was still a little taken aback when, after a three hour journey followed by a three hour meeting, me asking if I could go to the toilet (at a university, this was) was met with‘Whoa!  That is not easy.’  They found me one, though, in the Dean’s office.And the final surprise was, after a very useful re-encounter with the team I’ll be working with a lot (the purpose of this whole journey), a last minute decision to stay in Kagoro for a meeting tomorrow morning and return to Kaduna after that.  So I’m desperately trying to air my sweaty clothes and develop innovative ways of re-using one piece of chewing gum for maximum morning freshness.This is Kaduna State on the left, by the way.  Kaduna city is the green circle in the middle, and I’m currently in the green blob (not the circle) in the bottom right – Kaura local authority.*An advantage of no internet is that I can footnote from the next morning, which is now.  The hotel generator came on later in the evening, and I bought some supplies (including a massive red T Shirt which says‘Manga!’ on it which I agreed to in some kind of blind panic) from the shop next door.  So, apart from wearing some gently putrid clothes and everything being covered in ants, I feel much more kindly inclined to the New World Motel than I did ten hours ago.**We did talk about the gays on the way back.  And wet dreams (‘we were hugging and joyous and when I awoke the semen was there’).